If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
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