I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
