phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
