I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Ketchup is God's man juice
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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