i wish there were pregnant emoticons
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
