He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
