I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
