Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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