I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
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