I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
