My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
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