he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
