My boss' voice literally gives me gas
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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