he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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