: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just invented taco cereal.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
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