i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
