I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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