Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
