Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
