Im at strip club and am horny
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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