the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
