You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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