Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
