found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
