He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
