I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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