imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
