glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
