college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
