dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
