So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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