He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
