so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
