he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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