Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
