Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
