im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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