I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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