The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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