i dedicated my morning wood to you.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
