If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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