Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
