He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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