I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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