Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
