Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
