you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
