I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
