someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
