so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
everyone is single if you try hard enough
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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