God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
