so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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