I wish my penis had an off switch
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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