I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
