...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
