Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
