I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
