I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
