I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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