I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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