I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
3pm strippers are depressing
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm like, not good at living.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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