my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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