I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
