You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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