Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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