Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
